Sunshine, Clouds and Silver Linings
Episode 6 – Visitors (the Agony and the Ecstasy)
For a reason I cannot fathom out, Sue and myself have become unbelievably popular since arriving in Spain. Our popularity rating, whilst living in the UK, hovered around three on the Richter Scale, but since February 2007 this has risen to ten and as a consequence I drive to Malaga Airport more often than all local taxi drivers combined in order to collect family and friends from all over the world. They arrive from Amsterdam, Bristol, Manchester, Birmingham, Melbourne, Paramaribo, Toulouse, etc. I stand patiently at the back of the ‘hug and kiss brigade’, armed with a welcoming smile, waiting to be hugged and kissed.
There is an upside as well as a downside to this frequent guest phenomenon. The upside is that they bring goodies such as English sausages, Italian salami, van Dobben croquettes, Indonesian spices and that day’s newspaper, but I am still waiting for someone to arrive with bottles of duty free booze!
The downside is that I will get kicked out of my bathroom and be forced to share the en-suite bathroom with Sue. This may sound like a good deal, but believe me it isn’t……..all the luxurious lotions and creams reside in Sue’s bathroom and I am under strict orders NOT to touch any of them. The temptation to cover myself in Clarins, Decleor or Molton Brown is overwhelming, but since the contents of each bottle is measured on a daily basis I have to make do with Nivea for Men. My shower time is restricted to a few minutes and using the loo is frowned upon…… whilst my visitors are having a ball in MY bathroom.
The biggest downside, however, is that our guests have made the assumption that my pension is in the region of two million pounds per annum, that diesel is free and that all food and drink consumed, both at home and in restaurants is provided by the Spanish Government. Few of our guests contribute to the daily shopping/eating/drinking fund so it is no great surprise that, when they eventually leave, they are wildly enthusiastic about the holiday they have just enjoyed and promise faithfully to come back next year!!!!!
My Brother
My elder brother has visited us twice since February 2007. As kids we used to fight and punch the living daylights out of each other and he always got the better of me, not surprising if you consider he worked in the docks and hung out with dangerous people, whilst I was a computer nerd who wanted to preserve his good looks at whatever cost. On the day of my father’s funeral we sat in his car, embraced and swore we would never have another fight and we have been really close and the best of friends ever since.
Nevertheless, I should confess that my brother is not only two fries short of a Happy Meal,
but he is also unbelievably tight with his money and has a voracious appetite for my gin, vodka, wine and whisky. He speed drinks for Holland and as a result likes to stay up all night talking to Sue, whom he silently fancies, blissfully unaware that I have gone to bed hours earlier. He also likes to eat good food, sit on terraces, go to chiringuitos, visit bars and restaurants…………….so long as it is paid for by his little brother.
I do love him, but I would like just one more chance to beat him to a pulp with his own wallet…………..God knows it weighs enough!
My Sister in Law
Sue’s sister has also visited us twice since February 2007 ……. and is threatening to visit again before the end of this year!! Her holidays with us start with a visit to the wine wholesaler and me explaining to the owner that we are having a party for thirty people the next evening. Sister in Law only drinks white wine…..lots of it…..lies in the sun, holds conversations, picks at her food, helps around the house, contributes to the alcohol bill, treats us to at least one lunchtime meal out and will create a minimum of one evening full of tension and tears discussing family matters that are broken beyond repair and not worth discussing in the first place. Again…….I have gone to bed before the end.
Cousin from Australia
My cousin, whom I had never met before, came to visit us because she happened to be in the neighbourhood (Madrid!!) taking part in an international triathlon event. Now I thought I was fit in my younger days. I played squash seven days a week at a ‘decent’ level when my footballing days were over, but I have never really encountered fit until I met my cousin. Prior to the Madrid event she had won a triathlon in Cardiff (out of a field of 500 competitors) and came third in the Hawaii Iron-Man representing Australia.
I was exhausted just watching her breathe. She radiated energy. She got up at five in the morning to run 10 miles and got back home before I had a chance to have my first cup of tea. She had her racing bike in her car and would have cycled to Barcelona and back if I’d let her. When we went to the coast she would jump in the sea and swim for a few hours towards Morocco whilst we had a café con leche. She was great company and did much to improve my physical inferiority complex.
Brother’s ex-wife
Due for her second visit in August. She has a large network of friends and relatives that live all over the world (Portugal, Sweden, France, Australia, New Zealand, Indonesia and now Spain) and she ‘holidays’ with each and everyone on an annual basis. Her ‘booking’ arrives at least six months in advance to ensure availability and I must say, she is easy company. For a start she doesn’t consume alcohol, eats whatever you put in front of her, and always complements the chef. She loves gardening, so I provide her with secateurs at nine o’clock in the morning and make her a cup of tea at three o’clock in the afternoon when she returns. No late nights, no heavy discussions ………..bliss. She also pays her way and helps with the daily housekeeping chores…….double bliss.
Family Friend and her Daughter
They came to stay with us in order to get away from an ex-husband situation and to breathe some sanity. Ex-husband is truly a nasty piece of work. He is a Chief Inspector of Police with a very unhealthy appetite for sex. His now-ex wife, who is petite, pretty and as nice as they come had to provide daily sex as stipulated in a 30 page document written by husband, outlining where it had to take place, what to wear, at what time and how it had to be performed. He advertised himself on the internet, inclusive of photograph and a vivid description of his prowess as a lover (I am being polite here). To cut a long and sordid story short, her solicitor was an idiot, her house has gone, she has had to declare herself bankrupt, whilst he has run up a credit card debt of over £30,000.00 for which she is partly liable. Meanwhile, the daughter is utterly loveable, if somewhat traumatised. Whilst she was here her father called her constantly, which is very unusual, but maybe because he was in some exotic place with one of his many girlfriends. However, he continues to be Chief Inspector of Police!!!!
Both were great company and have been invited to come back whenever they want to.
Cousin from Holland (born in Surinam)
No matter what Sue cooked, be it Paella, Pasta, Fish, Chicken Kiev, Lamb, Beef Stroganoff……………..he asked for Tabasco, Sambal Oelek and Chilli seasoning.
He told us every hour of every day how much he likes going to Turkey. He will not be coming back.
Daughter, Husband and Grandson
They have visited us five times since February 2007. Daughter is lovely, but truly believes that we have another occupant in the house, called the ‘washing, ironing, cooking and looking after grandson fairy’ and that whilst she basks in the sun this fairy miraculously produces fabulous meals, pops all washing, duly ironed back in her bedroom, whilst also entertaining grandson. Husband is so laid back he is horizontal, good company, but has one MAJOR fault (which I do not forgive lightly) called ‘beating me at golf.’
Grandson is good looking, fabulous, fantastic and sensational.
Epilogue
I have had great fun writing my six articles for the Grapevine, but my life is now so ordinary that it doesn’t warrant any further episodes ….. for the moment………
Just for the record, fame hasn’t changed me at all and I am grateful to all the readers of the Grapevine for allowing me to lead a normal life.
Finally, I want to thank Helen for paying me for my bit of fun, as a result of I have now bought a yacht called ‘SILVER LININGS.’
