This tongue-in-cheek guide is aimed at anybody considering moving to, or has just moved to an inland village in southern Spain. As living inland is different to the life on the coast this guide should be useful to understand our way of life.
Here are some phrases you may hear and there true meanings.
“We are going to the coast”
This means “we are going shopping to Lidl”. The first rule of shopping at Lidl is that you must only tell your really close friends you shop there. If you are ever seen in, or going to or from Lidl, you must say that you sometimes go there because the water is so cheap.
“Of course you need to have a villa with a pool”
As well as being a universally recognised status symbol a pool is also perfect for a retired couple with a lot of time on their hands. Many an hour can be wasted adding chemicals, fishing out leaves and dead flies and back-washing. To be honest I do not know what back-washing is. I have not got a pool and I am therefore a little bit jealous. Of course the average amount of usage for a pool is 3 times a year. Fear not; they look lovely when sitting near them having a few glasses of wine.
“We only have Spanish TV”
This is probably a lie and the people that said this do have a Sky satellite dish the size of a small caravan hanging on the side of their house. If they are not lying, be wary of these people as Spanish TV is awful. Typical programs are people shouting at each other in a heated studio debate or a live report about a man and woman that live in their car.
“We never considered living on the coast”
Yeah right! Of course living inland is cheaper than at the coast so if the person telling you this appears to be telling you the truth, they are probably a wanted bank robber and think that living away from all the tourists gives them a better chance of staying out of jail.
“The track to our house is quite good compared to others we have seen”
The first time you visit these people you will remember these words as you drive past the abandoned 4×4 vehicles and bewildered looking Sherpas. The ride will be like being on a Bucking Bronco and you will have to drive with your fingers crossed (which is hard) hoping that your suspension will last the journey. The night will be ruined before it starts as you and your partner will probably row over who agreed to accept the drinks invitation in the first place.
“This looks terrible I know! We had a party last night”
I have used these lines myself after bumping into an acquaintance at the recycling bins as the next lorry reverses in to dump my second load of empty wine bottles into the yellow glass receptacle. Take it from me you will never be believed. The same goes if you are caught buying a trolley full of cheap beer in the supermarket. Do not try the “we have a party tonight line” Just smile and mumble something about a Special Offer before struggling out of the door with your 45 carrier bags clanking like a milk float driving over cobbles.
So I hope this guide has been of some use. Please do not take it too seriously. As anybody else that lives here will tell you, we have a great life here – honest!
Andy Wilkes
